Girls; What Category Are You In?

Normally when I decide to fall on the sword for writing about opinions many prefer to keep hidden in the dark corners of their brains, I write a will and divide my possessions. This time round, I might just leave everything to charity.

Ladies, this is for you; After this post, you’ll either want to hang men you relate with; ask questions; kill the men you are with; or just appreciate your position in a man’s life.
Men; I’m sorry, but maybe this might just work in your favor-highly doubt it, but well, we have to try.

Men are the simplest creatures out there, so this might not come as a shocker to many. Normally, or in most cases, Men place women they meet in five categories:
1. The Relationship Type
2. The Friends with Benefits Type
3. The Hit & Run Type
4. The Clingy Type & finally
5. The Friend only type

The Relationship Type; This is the girl you are always scared of, yet you know at the back of your mind, she’s the one. This is the girl you introduce to your parents. This is the girl you don’t mind if all your boys don’t like her. This is the girl you would jump off a bridge to save her wig if the wind blows it away. As a man, if you are a decent judge of character, the moment you meet her you’ll know. Normally this girl doesn’t stand out in a crowd, she’s subtle & will appeal to you due to the simple way she carries herself. This is the girl you will change for. She’s the one.

The Friends with Benefits Type; This girl is special and very mature. She understands that you are both in it for the fun bit of it. However, you must be very careful with this girl. As much as you both understand that this engagement has no chance in the long run, you unknowingly end up in a relationship. You can do this “Call & Hit” charade for a few months & before you know it, one day you’ll both wake up and find yourselves in a relationship. She might not be the type of girl you introduce to your parents, which then leaves you in a very precarious situation. There’s a very thin line between this girl and the relationship type girl & many are yet to fully understand the boundary.

The Hit & Run Type; This is the girl you meet on an out of town trip with your boys or a random party/night out. With this girl, it’s all about the moment. It’s hard to distinguish who, between the man & the woman is using the other. As a guy, the moment you see this girl your eyes start lighting up. The only drawback is, you know she has zero chance of passing for your girlfriend even among your boys, leave alone your parents. For this one, the only option is to satisfy that need and hope no one ever finds out about it. It’s almost an unwritten rule in the hit & run that no one speaks about it after. In situations like this, you regret it after, and you start making resolutions like “I’ll never take alcohol again”. Adrenalin here is both your friend and worst enemy.

The Clingy Type; Men try to avoid this girl at all costs. Usually her self esteem is very fragile & the sad fact is these girls are so sweet. For a girl like this, you talk to her for three continuous days and suddenly in her mind you two are dating. A girl like this wears her heart on her sleeve. A girl like this deserves a good, honest man. For guys who know they can’t offer that-and here i’m talking about self-respecting ones, they try to avoid this girl at all costs. The flip side of this or another form of the clingy girl is one who has evolved from the Friends with benefit category or the Hit and Run category. Usually, you never see it coming & getting out of this one will cost you an arm and a leg. I have known a couple of friends who have moved houses to escape this type of girl.

The Friend Only Type; This is the customary BFF. This lady will act as your wing-man if you ask her. Often times, this girl is the first stop at vetting all women who come through your life. Ladies, if the BFF doesn’t approve, you don’t stand a chance. This girl will make sure you don’t fall for ratchet types on a night out. This girl will ensure that never make the mistake of a hit and run. This girl is your guardian angel. Men are very protective of their girl BFFs & will go to war with other men who hurt their BFF. The BFF is like the cool sister you never had-she’s basically family.

So, girls, ask yourselves, where do you think you fall?

I might not have categorized all of them. If there are any I missed, feel free to add them at the comments section.

Time for me to go into hibernation and possible have a name change.

An Open Letter to the Devolution Cabinet Secretary

Greetings ma’am. First of all, let me just say I was pretty excited when the president raided the private sector for brilliant minds to run Government Ministries. It was a breath of fresh air. The politicians were gone-well not all of them. There was hope. It was a new day. Even the rolled sleeves & red ties gave the impression that a new dawn had risen in Kenya.

Cabinet Secretaries were handed a poisoned chalice. They had to balance between their KPIs (for the laymen, that means Key Performance Indicators) politics to better deliver in their respective dockets. You Madam Secretary “hit the jackpot” if I may say. The Ministry of Devolution absorbed other Ministries- Ministry of Public Service, Ministry of Regional Development, Ministry of Local Government, Ministry of Nairobi Metropolitan & Special Projects, Ministry of Northern Kenya & Arid Lands and the Ministry of Planning.

You, Madam Secretary was charged with driving the Devolution Agenda for the Government & we were sure you were up to the task- No one would be charged with such a role if they didn’t deserve it. I’ll give it you, the Huduma Centers for me were like getting that girl I had a crush on in Primary School to share her Chocolate bar with me-That was the best moment in my childhood life-That is how the Huduma Centers made Kenyans feel. Service to the people. Fast and efficient service. The National Youth Service did a lot of good in communities-cleaning up slums, mobilizing the Youth in more positive ways & creating much needed employment in Kenya.

Now, I don’t know where it all went wrong. I most certainly will not try to be you said “vindictive and ill intentioned” and surely, I don’t want to-again as you said “distract you from the work you have been doing for the Ministry over the last two years”

People are begging for your blood Madam Secretary. You blew the whistle on the NYS Scandal in your Ministry. Kudos for that. Somehow, when other Cabinet Secretaries-A Cabinet Secretary is the Chief Accounting Officer in any Ministry- were forced to step aside when irregularities were reported in their Ministries, you remained unscathed. Humor me for a minute Madam Secretary; Say you send your house help to buy a 2 KG packet of Sugar on Monday and on Wednesday, she asks for some more money to buy sugar. How would you feel? You are after all the chief accounting officer in the house. Would you not query how your house consumed 2 KGs of sugar in 2 days & you did not have a Chama meeting?

That is how Kenyans feel Madam Secretary. Your Office bought 20 Pens worth Sh 174,000- that’s roughly Sh 8,700 per pen. Now the records don’t show whether the quantity-20-was in units or boxes. So, humor me again, a box of pens-Bic- has 50 units; So, that’s Sh 174 per pen. A Bic Pen-I’m assuming that’s what normal offices use- is Sh 25 at the most at market price. Where’s the justification in that? Now, something even more simpler. Flash disks. At market price, you can get a 4 GB Flash Disk at a cost of between Sh 700-900. Your office bought 100 units at a unit cost of Sh 2,425. How is that even justifiable Madam Secretary?

I get it. You cannot micro-manage everything. You should be able to trust your lieutenants to carry out their work professionally, as any good Manager should. I had a boss once, she trusted her junior staff to make decisions; She was very keen though when it came to signing documents, she would look over everything-not that she didn’t trust her junior staff, but because the buck stopped with her. So, Madam Secretary, in your Ministry, where does the buck stop?

I’ve tried coming up with scenarios as to how some of these bad things have happened to you Madam Secretary. Either you sign documents without counter-checking; meaning you trust you lieutenants a little bit too much or you just don’t care. I highly doubt it’s the latter. What you did for Kenyan slums, cleaning them up when everyone had neglected them shows that you care. Creating Huduma Centers show that you care about efficient service delivery to ordinary Kenyans.

So, what happened Madam Secretary?

I’m sorry that they make you sit through Parliament committees trying to explain yourself & how you run the Ministry. Just between you and I, I also don’t think they are the smartest chaps out there. It’s like calling a kettle black. No, wait, it’s more like a zebra laughing at a donkey for being too ugly-they are both donkeys to be honest.

You have been vindicated online. Memes (ask whoever is paid to consult on digital matters what a meme is) have been created. You are the top trending topic on social media. You are not being given the space to work. Your personal character is being tainted. I’m sorry this is happening to you. As is said in the beginning of this letter, I’m such a big fan. So, Madam Secretary, what’s your side of the story? Who do Kenyans blame?

Yours faithfully,

KB

Stop with the Filters Already! 

I write this fully aware that I could be an endangered species after its all over. I really don’t own much property, so all my possessions I leave to my mother, the whisky in my house I leave to my boys and my Manchester United jersies I leave to my 2 year old cousin who loves football but he just don’t know it yet. 

Now, filters and Photoshop. There is a reason God created you the way you are. We cannot all be slim, we cannot all be light skins, we cannot all have natural, long, free flowing hair and we most certainly cannot all have perfect eyebrows. I would like to believe there is a purpose we were all created the way we were. Life/Nature needs to have a balance, that is why we have different sexes. 

Social media has been used for good, for bad, for business, to raise awareness, to avert & tackle disasters and unfortunately, for spreading the greatest lie on looks. More often that many would like to admit, shock and utter disbelief have reigned supreme when you meet face to face with people you have been engaging with online. Complexion can be as light and flawless like a baby’s back side on that Picture you have online but in reality it’s a dark/scorched and uneven face like a Githurai Matatu’s front bumper.

Yes, looking good raises your self esteem, in fact it’s advised-on these white people shows on TV showing makeover shows right before the show on botched plastic surgeries. However, lying to yourself and others is also a crime against humanity. A guy might have invested emotionally on you based on your filtered pictures online, only for him to willingly ask the waiter during the date to give him raw fish to hasten food poisoning so he can go home and spend the entire night trying to be Sebastian Vettel on a toilet bowl-feeling sorry for how his life turned out & constantly asking at which point it went all wrong. 

False advertising is wrong. There’s a guy who sued Redbull once for saying that Redbull gives you wings and he never got some when he drank it. One of these days a guy should be allowed to sue a woman for false advertising. Pictures you put online should be a true reflection of how you look in life. There is no need trying to look like Marilyn Monroe while the reality is the complete opposite. Why would you want to subject another human to such disappointment? Some of these unlucky guys actually cannot bear the humiliation they undergo after their make friends know about the botched date they consider jumping in front of a Citi Hoppa coming down valley road when there is no traffic. You go to meetings and someone says hi to you like you have known them since you were in diapers and you look back at them like the people who preach in buses. “You don’t recognize me?” That’s the next question and the obvious answer is yes. They tell you the name they use online and you go “Aaaaah, yes, you are well?”. You might call that guy a snob but really, how would you expect to be recognized if all your photos online look nothing like you in reality? 

Filters and Photoshop are good, they make everyone a Nat Geo photographer, they make a plate of Githeri look like cuisine straight from a top hat chef’s kitchen, but those are unnatural things. You are most beautiful 10 seconds after you leave your bed, embrace that. A little make up isn’t bad, but please don’t end up looking like a geisha. Other than that, embrace your beautiful dark chocolate look, some men actually prefer those to light skins. 

So please, stop with the filters already! 

*Books a flight to Timbuktu* 

In Pursuit of Happiness

Amid extensive suspicions from my lady friends, I decided to carry out a “general poll” on social media today. The main question was “Ever find the perfect woman who ticks all your boxes yet she’s taken? What do you do; Pursue or admire from a distance?” Of course this was a general contextual question which was meant for both sexes, but yes, should have included the “Perfect woman/man” part in the query. 

The responses were as divided as you would expect. To put it into context, on one hand, if you did decide to pursue, you would be hurting another emotionally invested human but on the other hand, you would come out the happiest human-at least in your general locality. 

Surprisingly, majority of the women supported the idea of the pursuit. To some, happiness should be sought at all costs. If that happiness pursuit leaves scars and bodies by the road side, that is a statistic they can willingly live with. To actually quote one “You don’t want to wake up when you are 80 and realize that you never had a soulmate”. 

Men on the other hand were unanimous; well when I say unanimous, I mean only one guy in the entire pool of respondents advocated for admiring from far. The general response was “If she’s not married, it’s fair game”- well apart from one who for all intents and purposes we shall assume he’s a very patient man who said “You admire from far as you hope he does soon and he doesn’t leave behind any kids”. 

When you consider both scenarios, they do have their pros and cons. Morality rears its head in one while the other one holds the key to a lifetime of happiness. You also have to consider the fact that if he/she’s ready to leave another for you, chances are that it can happen to you too. Many are of the assumption that its a risk worth taking being that the individual in question does “tick all your boxes”. In terms of morality, the question would be if this would be considered as “cheating” on his/her part. 

From the perspective on the individual being sought, I guess the question would be “Would you consider it “cheating” if there is mutual attraction with the one doing the seeking?” At the end of the day, the chest at the end of the rainbow is happiness regardless of the fact that technically you are scarring another  emotionally attached human. The main decision you have to make is, can you live with it? Is the happiness you seek greater than the guilt? Does the other individual “tick your boxes” too? 

In my own opinion, whether you decide to pursue your happiness or whether you decide to admire from far (or hope that the guy dies and doesn’t leave kids behind) the one thing that should matter is communication. You have to let the individual in question know your intentions before hand. They might not know “real” happiness and you have to be prepared to make a once in a lifetime proposal that would make them glance your way. One of the respondents admitted to “chasing” for six years! Patience will be key in your endeavor because normally changes don’t happen in a flash. Emotional detachment does not bond really well with humans and once they are emotionally attached, they tend to have tunnel vision. In your endeavor, you have to show that there are greener pastures elsewhere, you would need to show the gaps in the present and how they would be filled if another path was considered. Joseph Campbell once said “We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” You have to be very persuasive for them to make that change. 

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. Whichever decision one makes presented with this scenario, always appreciate the patience in your pursuit of happiness. 

Open letter to IG Boinnet

Well, first off, congratulations good sir! These days getting a public servant as high a rank as yours approved is very hard, let’s not kid ourselves, our parliament is not necessarily a room full of non whiners. 

I wish you the best of luck in your security docket, but the bar set by the predecessors was not so high (in the eyes of Kenyans-not mine) so I’m pretty sure you will prosper. 

Reason I decided to write this as I wait for updates on my laptop to install (it will take a while) is when I saw your post on Twitter “i look forward to working closely with #KOT”. Yes that one; now I’m not saying these guys are bad, but those streets they reside in are never safe. 

Look at it this way, those streets (that is what we call the Twitter Timeline) are like being in an F1 race track- wait you went to an American University, so let’s say a Nascar racing track- you know, the ones with no bumps. Subarus (the intern who will be running your account on Twitter can explain what that is) whizz past and you don’t even realize it before it’s too late. 

#KOT are not your friends, these guys are way too funny to be taken seriously. You should never take what they say too seriously, even when they make memes (please ask your intern to explain this too) of you. They hate being told what to do, they are all experts -in all fields I must say. 

#KOT know how to do your job better than you do, believe that, so be sure to venture on those streets once in a while to look for intelligence. Now on to serious matters, we need security assured, we need more sponsors to visit this country. Sponsors have been avoiding Kenya for a while now because of security matters so I would urge you to kindly look in to that. 

I don’t think I have forgotten anything, if I have, I’ll see you on the streets (Twitter I mean). Good luck sir. 

The girl at the coffee shop

One of those things that never leave your mind- might be the one who got away lol

kuirab

A typical after- work day, all tired, all worn out. I decide to go and fuel my coffee addiction at my favorite coffee shop. As i seat, all alone, in a booth, lost in my thoughts, lost in my own little world.
She gets in, hand in hand with what i automatically guess is her boyfriend. They have the courtesy to ask if they can sit on my table, i was getting bored so i said ”go right ahead”. I had this sudden urge to add ”its a free country” but i decided to be subtle.
I ask for another cup, they both get some orange juice and share a piece of cake- guess economy’s pretty hard.
She stares at me, not stare- stare, more like stealing an occassional glance. I m happily tapping away at my phone- writing this- she thinks- or a  least i think she thinks m…

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My Dress My Choice

Having not written for over 8 months now, it saddens me that this had to be the blog post that ended that drought. In this century, we have men who can publicly declare their intent on stripping women in public. Being a liberal society, the Bill of Rights gives you leeway in what you can say but it’s up to you as a mature adult to keep your opinions within the confines of maturity. Coming from a Single mother household, I especially hold women in the highest regard to the point that I don’t even mind when people call me a momma’s boy. No human being has the right to assault another in any way; Sexual assault it the worst kind of action you can inflict on another human being. I haven’t brought myself to watch that video of the woman being stripped by shallow minded men simply because I don’t have to watch to condemn the action. Even the topic by itself disgusts me a great deal, why would you do that to a fellow human? Instances of Muslim women, some of them my close friends have been harassed in public even when they had their BuiBui, so you really cannot associate this with short dresses.

This is a short minded mentality by a few because I believe we as men, we were raised better. The fact that it happened and has been happening is a shortfall for our security apparatus. They have allowed this to go on for a really long time, we have had instances of women being sexually assaulted in police stations and being scared to testify for fear of repercussions. This is where I pick a bone with our women legislators, where are you? Women representatives- we have special seats for you in the legislature, where are you? I might be naïve, but for issues like this, I expect women legislators to be on the verge of lynching the police commissioner demanding justice. I have a voice to condemn this, but yours’ as legislators is bigger, you have the voice to make even the famous cook make a statement but you have been silent in this matter which is even sadder.

It’s your right to dress the way you want, it’s your right to self expression, it’s your right to walk around nude if you wish.Unless you are my under age daughter, you can dress either way you wish, I might not know the reason for your choice of dress, but then again, its none of my business. You are free to make your own choices, I believe free will goes all the way back to creation. Issuing scathing remarks to discredit those who took part in this campaign just shows how mediocre some people’s line of thought is.

Before you issue statements that you will strip women, think of your own wife, your own daughter, your own sister, your own mother. How would you feel if that happened to them?As much as you may have your opinion regarding this matter which is your right, keep it to yourself, wallow in your own self pity for self recognition. The next thing after stripping is rape, so think about that before you make idiotic statements.

It’s a matter of choice, choosing to be a good role model for our sons, we are bound to make this earth better for the next generation. It’s a matter of being a mature man, it’s a matter of respect, it’s a matter of being a human being.

I commend the men and women who took part in the #MyDressMyChoice march, respect of humanity is something I believe we were all taught at some point in our lives; We must have Utu.